


The ANBU Naked Calendar is Now on Sale

by callaina, HazelBeka



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Innuendo, M/M, Sexual Humor, art and fic collab, graphic depictions of Tenzou, is that a barrier seal on your dick or are you just happy to see me?, seals master Iruka, suggestively censored nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:35:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28088598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callaina/pseuds/callaina, https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazelBeka/pseuds/HazelBeka
Summary: “Are you telling me that this calendar was your idea?” Iruka asked. “That you came up with this whole thing, convinced other ANBU to take part and arranged all these ridiculous photo shoots…just so you could come onto me?”There was a pause.“Well I’d planned to take you out to dinner first,” Hound said.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 72
Kudos: 459





	The ANBU Naked Calendar is Now on Sale

**Author's Note:**

> Fic by HazelBeka, art by callaina

When Iruka first saw the ANBU charity calendar, he held out for an impressive forty-five minutes before returning to the shop to buy himself a copy. He was a frequent customer in the ANBU merch shop, not because he was obsessed with ANBU like some of the other shinobi who aspired to join their ranks one day, but because he liked to bribe his students with the occasional small prize for whoever wrote the best essay or improved the most over the term. He had entered the shop that morning and said hello to the clerk – not an ANBU, of course, though the merchandise was all official – and then gravitated over to the key chain section.

Naruto had reliably informed him that ANBU key chains were currently the most sought-after ANBU merch and everyone was racing to collect them all. Little knitted ANBU figures dangled from the chains, and Iruka counted five different mask designs, a couple of which he recognised. He selected one of each, wishing they were less pricey, and crossed the small store to dump them on the counter and search his coat pockets for his wallet.

The owner of the shop, a matronly woman who the ANBU affectionately called Auntie, gave Iruka a conspiratorial look as she scanned his items.

“Oh, Iruka-sensei, you’re just in time. We got the first batch of the new calendar today and you’ll want to buy a copy before they all sell out.”

“Calendar?” Iruka asked distractedly, finally locating his wallet.

“It’s a little risqué,” Auntie whispered with scandalised delight. “But they did it for charity so I can let them off just this once.”

She ducked down behind the counter and retrieved a shrink-wrapped wall calendar, which she laid in front of Iruka with a grin. On seeing the cover image, Iruka made a strangled sound in the back of his throat.

“It’s a naked calendar,” Auntie said in another stage whisper, as though Iruka might not have noticed.

Iruka _had_ noticed. He had noticed very thoroughly. The cover image bore a photo of several ANBU standing in a line, their backs to the camera, mostly male but with a few women in the mix. They were standing out on the mountain somewhere, judging by the backdrop, and they were all completely naked, round buttocks gleaming in the sunlight.

Iruka’s first faint thought was that the security for this photoshoot must have been a _nightmare_. He also found himself scanning the figures, searching for a hint of recognition, and then stopped before he’d have to admit to himself whose ass he was looking for.

“They have such young, healthy bodies,” Auntie sighed. “I remember when I had a body like that.”

Iruka stared very hard at the line of butts so he wouldn’t react to that.

“It’s, uh…the photography is very good,” he said.

“You should see the pictures inside,” Auntie said. “The group shot is nice but they each get their own month, and some of them are really quite naughty.” She giggled. “My favourite is August. He’s a nice wholesome boy, I don’t know how they managed to persuade him to take his clothes off but I’m not complaining.”

Iruka was only half-listening. His gaze had caught on one particular figure. A man near the middle of the line-up, his back not as broad as some of the others but well-muscled, his legs long and powerful. His skin was pale, and it was that plus the shock of messy white hair that gave him away.

“Your young man has a very pert bottom, doesn’t he?” Auntie said, and Iruka spluttered.

“He’s not my…I don’t know who you mean,” he said quickly, but he could feel his cheeks getting hot.

“You don’t have to be coy with me, Iruka-sensei, I hear all the gossip. It’ll be May in your house all year.” She winked at him. “It’s a very flattering photo. Really accentuates his best feature.”

Iruka stared hard at the calendar and then, with very firm self-control, pushed it back towards Auntie.

“I’ll just take the key chains, thanks.”

Auntie clucked her tongue at him. “The money all goes to the orphanage, you know. It’s a good cause!” When Iruka still didn’t reach for it, she sighed and put it back down behind the counter. “I’ll save you one,” she assured him kindly. “For when you change your mind.”

The shop bell tinkled as Iruka left, and he made it all the way to his street before he stopped, glanced up at the rooftops to check for the flash of winter sunlight on armour, and then swore to himself, turned around, and hurried back to the shop.

  


* * *

  


When Iruka finally arrived home, he took the key chains and tucked them safely into his satchel to take to school on Monday. Then he made lunch, all the while pointedly not looking at the plastic bag that sat innocently on his kitchen counter. Maybe he’d hide it away until January. There was no point opening it now when there were three whole weeks left in the year.

Once Iruka had finished eating, he rinsed out his bowl, stacked up the dishes, ran the sink, and then turned and rushed over to the plastic bag, which he ripped in his haste to take out the calendar. The bag floated sadly to the floor; he ignored it.

He cut the shrink wrap carefully with a pair of scissors and then laid the calendar down on the counter, taking in the cover image for a second time. His gaze landed on Hound again, and he pointedly turned the page so he wouldn’t have to look.

To prove to whichever gods cast their judging eyes on the perverts of the world that he was _not_ interested in any particular ANBU, Iruka decided to flick through every month _except_ May. That would show Auntie. He slowly turned the glossy pages, appreciating the photography and the hours of work that must have gone into creating such a large artistic project and ignoring the fact that his face grew hotter at each image.

Most of the pictures were of a single shinobi but some had two or three. April featured two women from the waist up standing side by side, each holding out her sword so that it obscured her partner’s breasts – or most of her breasts. Iruka carefully flicked past May, closing his eyes so he absolutely wouldn’t see even a hint of the image as he passed it by, and then he flipped another couple of pages with his eyes still closed just to make sure. His gaze next landed on August – Auntie’s favourite – and he stopped for a minute to admire the composition. Which was definitely a legitimate artistic term and not code for ‘compromising position’.

This ANBU was out in the forest, a strategically low tree branch hiding his crotch. He had a very well-muscled chest, abs so defined they were practically in the dictionary, and on one broad shoulder sat a small fluffy kitten. A little piece of descriptive text accompanied each image, and this one read: _When Cat isn’t out on S-class missions he occasionally has to save an adventurous pet from a tree_. Iruka recognised his mask; he’d seen Cat with Hound on several occasions, and he suspected Hound was the one who’d bullied Cat into this. He took a moment to appreciate Cat’s sacrifice.

Iruka flipped through a couple more months but he was starting to lose concentration. He barely saw November, biting his lip and trying to hold back his traitorous hand, which was reaching up against his will to flip back through the pages. Eventually, his resolve snapped.

“Fuck you, Hound,” he muttered, and then slammed the calendar open straight to May.

Most of the photographs had an outdoor setting, but this one was different. The backdrop was a traditional room with tatami on the floor and paper sliding doors; there were no windows to give away the location but Iruka would have bet his left ball on it being a clan compound. Hound sat in the centre of the room on a simple wooden stool, legs casually open, wearing nothing except his mask and gloves. The lighting was just right to accentuate his muscles: his thighs were solidly built, his pecs begged to be touched, and his biceps swelled just the right amount. But those were not the parts of his anatomy that drew Iruka’s red-cheeked gaze. No, that victory was claimed by the centre of the image: the scroll that Hound held above his crotch and which unravelled all the way down to the ground, hiding Hound’s unmentionables but revealing the symbols inked across the paper.

It was a fucking barrier seal.

“You bastard,” Iruka breathed when he’d recovered enough to form coherent thoughts. “Your dick is _not_ that big.”

“How would you know, sensei?” Hound asked.

Iruka jumped so hard his feet left the ground. He whirled around, and Hound backed off from where he’d been leaning over Iruka’s shoulder. It was a mark of how distracted Iruka had been that he hadn’t sensed his presence, but he had too many other things to be mortified about to care whether Hound was judging his shinobi skills right now.

“You nearly gave me a heart attack,” Iruka spluttered. “What the fuck are you doing in my house?”

“You added me to your wards, remember?” Hound said. He slipped his hands casually into his pockets and slouched against the counter. “After the last time I nearly bled out on your doorstep.”

“That was for _emergencies only_.”

“I was grievously injured on my patrol today,” Hound said.

Iruka glanced him over because with Hound you could never be too sure.

“You look fine to me.”

“I stubbed my toe. It really hurt. But I feel much better now I’ve seen you swooning over my picture.”

Iruka’s face was so hot that he hoped Hound would get third degree burns just from looking at him.

“I am not _swooning_ ,” he said. “It’s not even my calendar!”

“Amazing how it turned up in your home, considering it isn’t yours.”

“It’s for a friend,” Iruka said with an edge in his voice that dared Hound to challenge him.

“Which friend?”

“Whichever one has the worst taste in men.”

“But I went to all that effort to take a picture you’d like,” Hound sighed. “What’s wrong with it? Is the scroll too small?”

Iruka made a choked noise.

“That’s…it’s not even proper chakra paper, there’s no reason anyone would draw a barrier seal on a scroll like that!” He thrust an accusing finger at Hound’s face. “Unless you wanted to get my attention.”

“I’d say I succeeded,” Hound said smugly. “It’s totally worth all the time and effort I put into this whole project.”

Iruka faltered. He looked at the calendar. Hound’s huge scroll looked back at him.

“Are you telling me that this calendar was _your_ idea?” he asked. “That you came up with this whole thing, convinced other ANBU to take part and arranged all these ridiculous photo shoots… _just so you could come onto me_?”

There was a pause.

“Well I’d planned to take you out to dinner first,” Hound said. “But if you simply can’t hold yourself back any longer then I suppose you could ravish me now.”

Iruka picked up a knife from the block. The biggest one, in case the scroll wasn’t a total lie.

Hound’s hands flew up and he took several steps back.

“Kidding!” he said. “I’m just kidding! About dinner too, actually, since there’s the whole…” He pointed at his mask. “Unless you want me to buy you dinner and I can sit there and watch you eat. Or is that weird? That’s definitely weird. You can probably tell I don’t go on many dates.”

Iruka lowered the knife. “Are you…asking me on a date?” he asked, and now his cheeks felt warm for an entirely different reason.

Hound scratched nervously at the back of his neck. “I’d like to,” he said. “But I know you probably don’t want to deal with that. I mean, how would it even work? I can’t tell you my name, I can’t show you my face…since I met you, being ANBU has suddenly had a lot of downsides I never noticed before.” He looked away. The tips of his ears had turned pink.

Iruka had known, of course, that there was a reason why Hound had taken to following him around like a lost puppy. He could understand a crush, had been flattered by it, though he didn’t understand why it had started in the first place or why it had lasted as long as it had, and he certainly didn’t understand why Hound would show up at his flat whenever he was injured or lonely or sad. There must be other people in his life who meant more to him than Iruka, yet again and again Hound went out of his way to get Iruka’s attention.

It was sweet and a little worrying, and Iruka had tried not to let him get close enough that it would hurt if Hound stopped coming by one day. Judging by how his heart fluttered now, he hadn’t done a very good job.

“I didn’t take you for a quitter,” he said. “How do you know it wouldn’t work if we haven’t even tried?”

Hound’s gaze snapped back to him. “Are you saying you want to try?”

“I’m saying that you don’t need to know someone’s name to know what kind of person they are. Maybe we can’t date like a normal couple, but normal is boring anyway.”

Hound was still watching him, and Iruka wished he knew what expression that mask was hiding.

“Close your eyes,” Hound said.

Iruka did, and he heard Hound take the few steps to close the distance between them. He could sense Hound’s presence right in front of him, and then a gloved hand softly touched his jaw and tilted his head back just a little. Lips pressed against his own, warm and gentle. The kiss was soft and almost shy, and over too quickly. Hound pulled back, but not far. His hand still rested on Iruka’s face and Iruka could hear his quiet breathing.

Iruka’s eyelashes fluttered. He couldn’t help it. Just one small peek and he’d be satisfied. He opened his eyes a crack and found Hound’s palm obscuring his vision from an inch away.

“You don’t trust me!” he accused.

“Should I have trusted you?” Hound asked. His voice sounded clearer without the mask in the way, amused and pleasantly deep. “Considering you had to open your eyes to catch me being distrustful?”

Iruka flushed and snapped his eyes shut again. “I – well – that’s your fault for making me want to look!”

“You’ve already seen more of my body than I’ve seen of yours,” Hound said. “Almost every inch, with a couple of exceptions.”

“A couple of inches, huh? I knew that scroll was compensating for something.”

Hound laughed, but it had that muffled quality that meant he’d pulled his mask back into place. A shame. Iruka opened his eyes just as Hound lowered his hand.

“I’m technically still on the clock,” he said. “But my shift is over at six. Maybe I could come back this evening?”

“To watch me eat dinner?”

“I was hoping we could maybe kiss again, but I guess I could gaze at you romantically while you make out with a bowl of ramen instead.”

Iruka snorted. “Go on then, get back to work. Does Sandaime-sama know how often he pays you to flirt with me?”

“Hey, I pay my taxes too, and I fully support this use of public funds.”

Hound dragged his feet as Iruka marched him firmly to the front door and shooed him out.

“If you’re not here by six fifteen I’m breaking up with you,” he said as Hound stepped over the threshold.

“But then you’ll never find out how big my dick is,” Hound said, and then wisely shunshinned away before Iruka could smack him.

Face flushed, Iruka stepped back into the kitchen and his gaze fell on the calendar again. Maybe it hadn’t been a terrible purchase after all. He might even use it. Get his money’s worth.

He took down the current year’s calendar from the wall and hung up the ANBU one instead so that Hound’s nude image gazed over the kitchen. Iruka stepped back to admire it for a moment and then flipped the pages back to August and nodded with self-satisfaction.

Auntie might have been right about him, but he could still prove her damn well wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> The text that accompanied Hound’s photo is: _Hound is one of our most dedicated operatives – he often works a_ long, hard _day at the office_.
> 
> Thanks to impoeia for unintentionally inspiring this. Sometimes I reply to comments and make stupid jokes and then the next thing you know I have ANBU naked calendars on the brain. Thanks to Ari (callaina) for then immediately starting to draw Kakashi's calendar pose (face reveal version) - the scroll was all her idea and I just about died when she showed me. She made the huge personal sacrifice of googling naked firemen for, uh, research. Let's take a moment to appreciate her dedication to her craft.


End file.
